But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” 2
- Corinthians 12:9 NIV
[Editor’s note: Hi everyone, this week’s topic for our technology project is “6/7: Pornography/Explicit Content’s Accessibility and Use.” This is a first-hand testimony, like the one read in the videogame chapter, but this time the young man who wrote it conducted the research and interviews for that section of the project himself. Please read this through, highlighting or marking any points or ideas that were
· Interesting
· Surprising
· You may not agree with
· Think need further discussion with the group
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I’ve tried to make it more digestible by adding Section Markers and Headings so that you can take a break or follow the writer’s discussion. The last 5 essays you have read were probably repeats of all the lectures and speakers who have already tried to spark awareness of the impact and influence of media and devices. But this dialogue is different. I hope that you read with yourself and/or child in mind and understand the exposure and content that is available at all times. For the other essays, maybe there is a level of denial you can have. But for these last two essays that were contributed by anonymous Hutterite writers, I hope they will truly highlight the danger of further ignoring the influence of technology. It is real young people struggling alone because conversations are not being had, and awareness for gripping mental illness and addictions are too often pushed aside or minimized. This is no longer something we as communities can ignore.]
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Introduction
When I was asked to write this essay, I had mixed feelings, and since I’ve begun to write it, those mixed feelings haven’t gone away. I agreed because I am a young man who has struggled with consuming pornography and other sexual content for years and I have first-hand experience of how damaging the results can be. I share this to tell the young people reading this essay that I fully understand the appeal and pull of that kind of content. Which is why I’m not writing this as a way to point fingers and condescend those who do enjoy or struggle with the wave of sexual content that has largely taken over every form of entertainment.
After years of struggling with this addiction and near indifference to what I was watching, through the grace of God I’ve begun to realize just how wrong it is and how far we’ve gone. What scares me is that because this is such a personal issue, I understand how intricate and complex this problem is and I can’t hope to adequately address all of the aspects involved in this issue, and for that I am sorry. I will most likely make mistakes because I'm still learning more and more every day, but I think trying is worth the risk of the mistakes. One of the essential points of this essay is how important it is to come together to learn how to help each other through the grace and Love of God. So, if I can in some small way contribute to that conversation, well, that’s all I can hope for.
A dialogue on Sexuality
Sexuality is a scary and uncomfortable word for many of us, but I think in a generation that is dealing with this issue at a greater intensity than ever before this discussion needs to be had. Sexuality is how we Personally contend with sexual development as we grow up, consume content and information, enter puberty, mature, and even start relationships. It is one of the hardest topics to talk about at any length for many of us and it’s understandable given how uncomfortable the subject matter is. Many of us just as understandably, prefer to sweep the issue up under the rug as fast as possible whenever we are confronted by it, but the question is for how long will we be able to? We can only push this ever-expanding issue away so much until we’ll be forced to deal with the consequences, and in many ways we already are.
My purpose for writing this essay is to provide parents and leaders with an honest account of someone who has and is struggling with the onslaught of sexual content. What I want to say isn’t new, with many authors and speakers like Leonard Sax, and even the apostle Paul addressing this issue much more thoroughly, and in many ways I want this essay to point both parents and young people to them to learn how to think of their sexuality in a pure and Godly way. God has given us this incredible gift of sexuality meant for the context of marriage. The world and we within the church have so mishandled it that it has created chaos in families, destroyed the lives of individuals now living through immense guilt and shame and has begun affecting society and the church as a whole.
Porn and other sexual content has been an issue long before the internet came into being, but as numerous as the possibilities were, they couldn’t compare to what high-speed internet brought to the equation. The curiosity and desire have always been there; but for this generation, shallow fulfillment is now constantly available.
Sex is everywhere. Believe me; as a young man I can’t help but notice it all and feel the extreme pull, entertainment, and pleasure it promises. The jokes, innuendos, music, movies, websites, tv shows, books, and influencers on Instagram, Ticktock, Reddit, YouTube, just keep piling it on. When I say pornography, I am defining it as any sexual content or allusion towards or implication of sex. I’m being very direct but we’re all adults here, and this needs to be said.
Studies of broadcast media content show that on average teenagers view 143 incidents of sexual behavior on network television at prime time each week, with portrayals of three to four times as many sexual activities occurring between unmarried partners as between spouses. As much as 80% of all movies shown on network or cable television stations have sexual content. An analysis of music videos indicates that 60% portray sexual feelings and impulses, and a substantial amount display provocative clothing and sexually suggestive body movements. The studies also show that the sexual messages from these movies and other media are almost universally presented in a positive light, with jokes like being a “stupid virgin” sending a very clear message as to what the glorified path is.
These statistics aren’t irrelevant. Just through conversing with other Hutterite young people, shows like The Witcher, Game of Thrones, Family Guy and movies like Deadpool, the Wolf of Wall Street, and many more continually come up. These movies and shows depict explicit violence let alone the shocking sexual content. Many of these are so explicit that they’re pushing the envelope by Hollywood’s standards! But we watch them. Artists like Shawn Mendes, Arianna Grande, Halsey, and pretty much every successful singer right now display lyrics and videos that not only borderline pornography but are pornography! But we continue to watch and listen to them.
The movies and shows we watch have constantly more graphic sex scenes. The music we listen to tells about more and more explicit sexual impulses and behavior. The influencers and celebrities we grow up watching as kids display more and more tolerance of every expression of sexuality, including homosexuality, and everything under the sun as long as it doesn’t harm anyone else: “I can do what I want with my body” and, “My body, My choice.” The conversations around sex outside Christian circles surrounds a conversation on consent. If you agree, then it is alright. There is no conversation about the longer-term impact of this mindset that dehumanizes and isolates young people blindly participating in hookup culture, or losing themselves in the sexual identity crisis.
While most of the examples I’ve mentioned so far may seem extreme to some, I think it’s important to firstly realize that we are watching all of this, but secondly to realize that while R rated content is being watched it doesn’t start there. If we want to have a real conversation about how we are being exposed to these ideas and behaviors, we have to address where it begins.
Subtle Saturation
“Today we live in cultures that lure people into a spiritual stupor that gradually desensitizes people to true spiritual and moral values. Jesus warns that the time would come when, because lawlessness abounds, the love of many in the church would grow cold (Matthew 24:12). He also warns through Paul that in this time people would be so perverse as to be without even natural affection (II Timothy 3:3). We along with Christians over the centuries have lived or live in those times, and it requires a clear vision and a steadfast conduct to avoid being sucked into following the ungodly crowd. God has given our cultures over to allowing the carnal mind to spend itself on continuous sensation-seeking stimulation. The lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes and the pride of life are virtually running wild.”
-Forerunner Commentary
In the book ‘Every Young Man’s Battle’ author Fred Stoeker starts a paragraph with, “Let’s talk about specifics [of what we’re watching] by considering the movie Titanic. How did this movie ever pull down a PG-13 rating?”
He goes on to give more examples of PG-13 and PG rated movies that make you wonder where the line is. Dead Poet’s Society is a great story with a PG rating. It sports a long close up of a Playboy-style foldout. Forrest Gump is a classic with a PG-13 rating. It has five or more scenes where no imagination is required. Divergent, Avatar, Hobs and Shaw, Fast and Furious movies, Suicide Squad all have PG-13 ratings. More examples are TV shows like Friends, the office, and Big Bang Theory. These two shows have a PG rating. Pretty much every sexual joke or innuendo I know, I got from both of those shows. Both are absolutely filled with inappropriate jokes, and very suggestive content like strip teases, provocative flirting, and couples lying in bed together (clearly naked) but with sheets over them so it’s totally okay.
The same happens with nearly every music video. It’s nothing that’s considered explicit; but by whose standards? All throughout the songs the singers move their bodies in every provocative way you can think of (and NOT just the female singers). Everything is glorified and flaunted, all the while wearing clothing that is designed to entice and seduce. In the spirit of honesty, I’ve watched most if not all of the content I’ve mentioned so far and I knew what my motives were and what caught my attention and I enjoyed it (and I don’t think girls are removed from this). So, I’m not pointing fingers, I’m only telling you what we are watching. But why? Why am I telling you how awful everything is? Why am I nitpicking when I point out small things like a close up of an explicit magazine in an otherwise very meaningful movie? Am I trying to say that the solution is to ban the movies, the music, the celebrities, and influencers that spread messages that are contrary to our Christian beliefs on sexuality? No. or at least, not really. As all these presentations have shown. That won’t fix anything at all.
The reason why I’ve been going on and on about what we’re watching and what’s in it is to help parents realize how absolutely bombarded we are. When I said earlier that this generation is dealing with the issue of sexual purity and exposure to sexual content at a level of intensity that has never been seen before this is what I meant. It’s impossible to keep our minds clean when nearly everything is trying to provoke us. I want you to feel a little overwhelmed by hearing all of that because it helps to understand what children, pre-teens, and young people, who are still trying to figure out what sexuality is, must contend with while being taught, through pop culture, to celebrate it and normalize it. This is obviously wrong, but it’s too easy to just say that it’s wrong. As the use of this content and beliefs in its messages about sexuality increases, what is our reaction?
The Problem of Taboo Topics
There is no outlet for people to come together in fellowship over this topic. There is no education in this area. I don’t want a single person to suggest that “if you have a problem, go speak to your pastor. Would you if you were 15 or 16? Obviously not. Especially if it is not someone I have a really close relationship prior to this. Sexuality is a deeply private thing, so struggling with addictions or content will be a conversation that must be initiated by someone else I am already very close to.
I think a major reason why this issue has hit us this hard is a lack of understanding about what sexuality is and what it is meant for. God created sexuality for within the realms of marriage, which is a sacred union representing Christ and the Church. the culture around us places heavy emphasis on self. Everything is about you. It teaches that "Your body is yours; your sexuality is yours to decide, you can do whatever you want with your body." But Jesus teaches a different way - instead, our bodies are not meant to be ours; they are temples of the Holy Spirit, belonging to God and we are meant to honor God with our bodies.
Thessalonians is Paul’s most direct dialogue on Sexual purity. The word pornography comes from the Greek work Pornea – any sexual act outside the intended limit of what is holy or sanctified- and this is the word Paul uses here. If we are to be holy people “set apart,” then we must “gain mastery over ones own body with holiness and honor. We must control sexual urges “not with passion and lust like the gentiles (those outside of the people set apart) who do not know God.” We cannot and should not do whatever we want with our bodies. He tells us that we are to Honor them instead. Our sexuality is meant to be for this beautiful union God created for one man and one woman; in marriage, then the man belongs to the woman and the woman belongs to the man (they are one). Therefore, marriage and sexuality are not at all about ourselves, completely contrary to what American culture will tell you. We do dishonor to our bodies when we treat them as objects the way pop culture has in the name of liberty, empowerment, art, expression, etc. Our bodies are more than objects; they are a fundamental part of what it is to be human. God created us as both spirit and body, and we will even still have a perfected body in the resurrection. There is something good in God's creation of a physical body, and it is a part of God's design for us.
But here is this: Are young people being taught this form of sexuality? When? How? I can personally say that I learned this through personal study. I was ashamed of my sexuality and urges. I was not taught it is something pure and holy. Something to be understood over time as I got older and had more questions. Something every single person, man or woman struggles with in different ways and must battle. The silence around the conversation, the lack of information, the hush hush atmosphere that is the norm for most parents, led me to seek answers online. And then led me to fear seeking help when the online world gave me far more than I wanted.
Further, explaining it all in one sit down isn’t working at all. By this I mean dad taking his son or mom the daughter and giving them a book or sitting down and just dumping some knowledge about how some things work. “The talk” does not work, and from talking with friends, most don’t even get this. They get a duller, anatomical description along with some do’s and don’ts and that’s it- and usually even this is coming far too late, at the age of 11 and 12. I’m sorry but the content has been viewed by confused eyes for years by this age.
“The talk,” Research indicates, actually derails communication among parents and their children. Parents overestimate the positive effect it has on their children and generally feel overly positive about how the conversation went after it is over. Children, on the other hand, often end up feeling embarrassed and awkward and never want to discuss sexuality with mom and dad again. Too many parents use it to “get it over with” because they feel uncomfortable about the topic themselves! That is exactly the problem: your discomfort is read by the child- even your too-little-too-late explanation is also miscommunicated. Your own discomfort is communicating this budding work of sexuality and maturity as something uncomfortable and shameful. When, through God, it is something sanctified, and the conversation should be had confidently and openly, over time, and -as research shows is more affective- answering the questions at young ages as the child asks them. What your children have is either you or the internet, and the internet says yes to everything.
A Reformation of our Conversations on Sexuality
When Adam Mearse interviewed two young men about the topic, they shared some vital perspectives on dealing with the hard questions:
“If parents and church leaders aren't going to talk about all the LGBT stuff (or any of these topics of sexuality), you're just wasting your time. “Young people do not need one and done answers to common questions about sexuality and faith; they crave honest discussion about the most difficult ones, like the desires they experience and what to do for if they have miss-stepped. They also realize that when someone offers simplistic answers to complex questions, that person is not a valuable talking partner.”
The second Guy articulated this emphatically... He was adamant that churches and parents need to help young people right-size sexuality:
“When we create spaces for conversation and questions in our homes and churches, this is exactly what happens. Honest conversations prevent sexuality from being so overblown in our kids’ minds that it overshadows every other part of their identity and thinking. It also prevents them from feeling as though they are supposed to ignore or suppress their sexuality. There is a middle ground here where young people can understand their sexuality as a vital component of who they are, yet not something they need to be enslaved to or overwhelmed by. Honest conversation helps uncover this space.”
Personal Testimony
In my own case I was eleven when I was first exposed to pornography and I didn’t have a clue what it was. It was an unfortunate combination of innocent curiosity and the rest was simple. I saw the word porn somewhere and having recently learned how to use google search I was curious to know what it meant. With a simple word search, full graphic nudity and explicit imagery was suddenly in my face. I remember the shock, and I quickly exited the tab before the teacher made his rounds. It was that fast.
Being so young I had no way of processing what I had seen because no one had ever told me about anything like this before- my parents assumed I was too young for the talk. My dad had explained some things that are part of growing up and being a guy but that was as far as it went. All I knew was that it was weird and bad, but I didn’t think much of it and quickly dismissed it as a trivial accident, so I never bothered to tell my parents what I had seen- I didn’t even know how to put into word what it was either. Even so, for some reason I couldn’t quite get the images out of my mind completely. Today I realize that what happened to me was textbook.
It is a sad reality that happens far too often in children’s lives. An unpreventable exposure to something they cannot yet fathom. This happens in the cases of child molesting, rape, or, as newer research shows, even things as simple as commenting on a child’s figure or a part of their body. The exposure and language are not understood. A child has not begun puberty fully, and so their minds are not yet developed to engage with and process imagery, words, content, or feelings of a sexual nature. What happens is often tragic: There are long term effects of Trauma that can stay for the rest of one’s lives; development of a sexuality and “awakening” far too young; or even complete absorption of the words, not recognizing the action., content, or comment was targeted at something sexual and assume there is something inherently wrong with them when they don’t understand the feelings that this all creates. This can result in mental struggles like depression, anxiety, body dysphoria or eating disorders. It is not as uncommon as it looks.
Eleven sounds preposterously young to anyone because it is! But unfortunately, it isn’t rare at all. In fact, the average age of children when they are first exposed to sexual imagery, language, or porn is right at eleven, with help agencies like FightTheNewDrug and Pure Desire Ministries sharing that they are getting calls from children as young as eight years old asking for help. This is terrifying!
Very few children go out, seeking this kind of content. But as we’ve already discussed they don’t need to, it finds them in mass media, online games, videogames, or the movies innocently watched. Are they prepared? Now, I think many parents react to this with thoughts like ‘my children would never watch that kind of explicit content because we raised them as Christians and they know right and wrong,’ or ‘well I’m going to make sure they are never exposed to this,’ or ‘that’s disgusting! How can any Christian watch those things?’ These reactions are understandable and come from well-meaning people, but they fail to address all the factors at play and more importantly they don’t leave room for one of the most important keys to solving this issue. Empathy.
Empathy: the ability to understand and share the feelings and experiences of others.
Do we apply this when dealing with people who are struggling with sexual desires? Do we try to understand them? When parents say that their children would never watch this, or will never watch this, become are outraged, disgusted, or personally offended when their children open up to them, ask leading questions, or by the thought that anyone would or has ever watched content of that nature, it creates a huge rift in being able to understand why this is happening and how we can begin conversations to change. And it is happening.
Porn is defined in the study as material (media or information) that is sexually explicit: which is on a spectrum from soft porn, where everything is shadowy, they are just “making out” and the camera pans to the window, with everything still implied- to hardcore pornography, which perhaps needs no explanation. 94% of children will see porn by the age of 14. 68% of church-going men and over 50% of pastors view porn on a regular basis. A very similar percentage of women aged 25-and-under search for porn at least once per month, so this conversation is not just a problem only for guys- we are talking about everyone. Of young Christian adults (men and women) 18-24 years old, 76% actively search for porn for the intent of pleasure, and 92% have at some point. If these statistics look bad, these are seen as very conservative numbers.
These numbers are to show that it is happening and that it isn’t just the “weak Christians” who are struggling, and that since so many of us are struggling with this maybe we can all have a conversation about a very normal and human condition and struggle. This is why empathy is so important. Shutting down, reacting with disgust, shame, and ostracism is not going to work. We have to listen in order to understand why people are viewing this content before deciding on a course of action.
Before we go into the reasons why this problem has escalated, I want to be clear that I am not anti-internet and don’t think that banning it is a credible idea. It is an amazing tool that has become something we all depend on not only for pleasure but for research, work and especially the schoolwork that the children are doing which makes it impractical for us to keep our children offline. But while the internet is a necessary tool there are also the dangers like the one, we are discussing, and they need to be discussed with the children themselves.
The Appeal of Sexuality
We are sexual creatures. We are instinctively drawn towards it. We all have a natural desire for sex and the love and belonging it entails. These statements go a long way in explaining the appeal and pleasure sex can and does provide and why so many people fall into habits of expedient pleasure seeking. God created us with these desires for a purpose so it’s fruitless to pretend like they aren’t there or aren’t normal.
So how are children eexposed? Most of the time sexually explicit content isn’t right in their faces all at once. It begins in great, well-meaning family friendly movies, music, and YouTube channels. In the middle of mostly innocent content a quick love scene awakens a child’s curiosity. At young ages kids squirm and shout, “Ewwwww!” as kiss scenes are shown, but soon that squeamishness turns to interest. These feelings are completely normal and expected. When children near their pubescent stages a sexual awakening begins to occur, but with all of us being exposed to more “affectionate content” at younger and younger ages the awakening, as it were, begins to happen sooner. As the interest grows, they start noticing those scenes more and begin to realize that it makes them feel a certain desire. They don’t know what it is and, because they aren’t used to talking about these desires with their parents, they don’t.
I was dealing with the first year of ITV classes and I was stressed. We had assignment deadlines at the end of every month for the previous month's assignments which gave us ample amounts of time to hand everything in. I was a procrastinator, but I didn’t have the discipline to break bad habits; so very quickly a routine was formed. Every month I'd commit myself to more disciplined time management, I'd keep it going for maybe three days then quite suddenly realize how much time I had and turned again to sports, social media, etc. as the work piled higher. Three days before every deadline I almost instinctively knew that this was the point of no return and started hacking away till 3am for three straight days to finish by the end of the month. I’d be overwhelmed, ridden with anxiety attacks and exhaustion, but after every month I’d begin the cycle again. It was the repetitiveness of this routine that slowly bore me down and began to affect my mood and motivation.
I don’t talk to people when I struggle, I don’t want to. One say I was in school just before supper on the second day of the monthly deadline frenzy when I took a moment to breathe, clicked open a YouTube tab and quite by accident found myself watching a compilation of romantic scenes. Watching that video, I just felt this sudden peace come over me, I felt present, I felt completely focused for the first time in so long. I was shocked by this sudden sensation and utterly confused on what it might be, all I knew was that it was magnificent. For me this was a sudden awakening because it helped me deal with my stress, anxiety and loneliness. I didn’t even start by using it for the pleasure it provided, I used it because of the peace and feeling of belonging it gave me. I became an addict.
The issue of Becoming Desensitized
It’s quite simple, viewing content displaying sexually provocative scenes makes you think about it more than you would otherwise which in turn makes it harder and harder to put it out of your mind. But because it happens gradually over time it doesn’t become obvious until we start asking ourselves how on earth we got where we are.
The purpose for explaining this is to help parents understand what is going on. There are reasons why young people are watching and struggling with this. These include pain, stress, loneliness, fear of inadequacy or failure, peer pressure, coupled with the desire for pleasure. I’m not using any of this as an excuse or as a way to justify it, I merely want to help parents understand why. With kids growing up faster than ever we need to think of new ways of explaining to them what they’re seeing or might be seeing at an earlier age than we thought possible. But to do so in an open and honest way that when they do run into it they can feel comfortable coming and sharing it with you, the parents.
In my case, I was raised in a Christian home with two loving parents, and they did teach me to honor God and respect women from an early age, vis versa for my sister(s) . Growing up we knew right from wrong and all about God’s love and forgiveness. I mean, if there is a formula for good Christian parenting ours definitely got most of it right. But before “the talk” we didn’t discuss sex and sexuality because it wasn’t seen as necessary or appropriate for children at that age. So, besides the well enforced rules like boys and girls shouldn’t wrestle with and tickle each other or invade each other’s personal space we didn’t know much about anything of that nature. When anything related to sex was discussed, it was in the louder gossip rings of a scandal in another colony of a girl having a baby out of wedlock or the young people being caught doing something. In that silence, I think the inadvertent message was that this isn’t to be talked about and isn’t to be discussed. This type of silence doesn’t convey sacredness to a child. It conveys shame.
When sharing his own struggle with pornography, Pastor Nick Stumbo shared that, “Growing up there were other examples of when sexual things did come up and my parents, from a biblical worldview would have a very negative reaction to those things and that communicates a message to you as a kid like “oh if I were to bring up anything like that they would have a very negative reaction to me as well.”
I think this was the case in my family and in most Christian families and this is a vital point of why honest communication is so necessary with this issue. When children get the sense that bringing up certain topics will get them in trouble it’s natural to keep it from their parents when it comes up and especially about awkward issues like sexuality when young adolescents can’t understand what they’re feeling and can’t process why they suddenly have a desire to watch or do things that they know their parents wouldn’t approve of.
When my parents did give us the talk and were very open with us about the topic. They did tell us that we could come to them if we had questions or concerns of any nature.
But I was twelve when they gave me the talk.
I was eleven when I was first exposed to pornography.
When they finally had that conversation with me at an age they felt it was appropriate- perhaps because it had been for them when they were that age- I was struggling with the beginnings of an addiction that would consume me from that young of an age. By that time the feelings of guilt and shame and the fear of how they would react kept me from telling them.
I recently talked to my mom about how they decided to talk to us about sexuality and she said, “We wanted to be open with you and explain how sacred, holy and incredible the gift of your sexuality is. So, when we thought you were old enough, we thought it was important for us to tell you about your sexuality. What it is, and how it was meant to be expressed. We even told you that girls go through changes of their own and told you that as a young man it was your responsibility to respect them and and all other peoples bodies even more than your own. Basically, we wanted you to realize that your bodies are temples and should be treated as such, in the way God had designed.” I then asked her why they had decided to wait as long as they did. “I guess we thought to keep you pure so that you didn’t have to worry about all this stuff. We wanted you to be able to stay innocent, but at twelve we thought you were ready and responsible enough for that information.”
Her answer gave me a newfound respect for their decision. But I wish this current answer for why had been included in that first conversation. For years I was angry with my parents because I felt I couldn’t tell them what I was going through, but over the last year and especially since starting this project I’ve begun to see how difficult it is for parents to know what to do, and how to handle the topic of sexuality especially with multiple children all at different stages. My parents did what they felt was right, at a time they felt was right, but the internet had beaten them to the punch.
Now I’m not saying that if you don’t tell your children everything, they’ll become addicts; it affects different people in different ways. However, the idea of keeping your child pure and innocent by not telling them about what they are going to go through presents the message that even the good and pure conversations on the topic are somehow impure and unwanted. Not talking about this issue won’t keep your children pure. They will discover it with or without your help. It’s inevitable. When you're a kid the things that do not get talked about seem extra intriguing and you build them up in your head. You tend to either make more of them than they are, or you get scared of them and avoid them, ending up totally naive. You don't want either of those things to happen.
Having Constructive Conversations
We’ve talked at length about how what we’re doing now isn’t enough to answer what we’re being exposed to. Now I want to get into how we can start solving this issue together with our leadership, parents, and children.
Here are two long excerpts from the book We Need to Talk: Creating Space for Healthy Conversations about Sexuality by Adam Mearse. I found this book by accident while researching for this project, and I think the conversations that he depicts help give examples of how conversations about sexuality should be had. How comfortable they can and should be in christian or especially family circles. The first conversation is between a mother and father trying to figure out how to handle an awkward question from their young daughter. While the second is between the same mother and the daughter of her friend who she went to for advice. Let’s take a look…
Book Except [[ Conversation #1:
Maria said, keeping her voice low, “Your daughter came home from school today and asked me what sex is!” Maria let that statement sit there for a moment. She somewhat enjoyed the stunned look on William’s face - now he knew how she had felt earlier.
“What?” William half-whispered, half-shouted. “Where did she learn that word? Was it a boy? Which boy? I'll kill him.”
“She heard it from some of the older girls at school,” Maria replied. “Apparently one of them wants to have sex with someone on YouTube.”
William was silent for a moment, trying to process how the idea of sex had ended up in the head of his precious, innocent little girl. Could he get it out of there? Was there a chance she could forget she ever heard it?
“What do we do? He finally asked.
“I don't know,” Maria replied. “I've thought about it nonstop since school let out. Maybe we should just have ‘the talk’ with her,” she said, making finger quotes in the air.
“Isn't she a little young for that?” asked William, doubtfully. “My dad didn't tell me about that stuff till I was 15.”
“How'd that work out?” asked Maria, knowing full well that William remembered that experience as one of the most awkward of his childhood.
“So, what then? Where do we even start?”
Maria thought for a moment, then had an idea. “What if we try to talk to some people about it?”
“Like who?” William asked cautiously.
Author’s Notes: How familiar is this particular exchange. Anxious parents, curious children, and the potential to botch the whole conversation up! Fourth grade was the most common age at which they became aware of sexuality as a force in their lives. However, I see this age dropping in casual observation. I interviewed college students, all of whom are in their mid-twenties as I write this book. In the years since they were children, the cultural saturation with sexuality seems to be driving this first awareness down toward first or second grade. There were a variety of ways my interview subjects describe this awareness beginning: jokes from older siblings, their attention captured by a romantic scene on TV, stumbling across something on the Internet, and the like. Most of these were relatively innocuous experiences that serve to make the subject consciously aware of sexuality for the first time they could remember.
Conversation #2
Maria asked Bailey, a family friend, about the situation with her daughter: “What do you think your parents have done particularly well to help you guys understand sexuality, your bodies, sex...all that?
“Wow! That feels like a pretty serious question to answer with chicken salad in my mouth,”
Laughing slightly, Billy replied, “Let me see... My parents have always been very open with us about all sexuality matters. Just really...honest? Maybe that's the best word for it. Honest.”
“Interesting,” said Maria, leaning in slightly. “That's a good word. Tell me about that. What was it like? In what ways were they honest?”
“Well let's start with questions,” Bailey began. “They have always encouraged us to ask questions and they have always been willing to talk about any questions we have. Sometimes they even asked the question themselves, I guess.”
“What do you mean?”
“Let's say we were watching a movie - earlier in my teen years. If a sexual scene came on the screen, they would pause the film and ask if I knew what was going on in the scene, or if it seemed strange to me. To be honest, it was always a little awkward, but I knew they were serious, so we usually ended up talking at least a little bit. One time, we were downtown and ended up stuck in traffic because of the Gay Pride Parade. It was so colorful and eye-catching I was probably only 10 or 11 at the time. I asked my dad about all the Rainbow Flags. We had a long talk about the LGBT community while we sat there in the car. That was one of the most important talks I think we've ever had about sexuality - just sitting there in traffic. But it was so normal. They weren’t awkward about it either. If dad was stumped, he said, ‘good question champ, let me stew on it a bit.’-
They felt it was important for kids to know we can ask questions without getting in trouble for having parents freak out about things. I once asked my Mom what the term gender dysphoric meant. I had heard it on a talk show, I think. She had no idea! But, she and I looked it up together on the computer and talked about it for a while. I appreciated that she was comfortable with not having the answer right away. I think that's fine to – parents being honest about what they don't know and finding answers alongside their kids.”
“Whoa!” I would have no idea how to have that kind of conversation with Kayla,” Maria said.
Bailey smiled, “I think it's one of those things where you cannot be ready to answer every question all the time. You just have to have it in your mind that you won't run away from any questions that she asks. You'll do your best to discuss any topic and you will search for answers when you don't know them off the top of your head. Kayla does not expect you to be an expert on everything in the world. I think she just wants to know that you are going to help her figure things out. I honestly think your answer isnt going to be half as important as your honesty and reaction to the question. If you tell her a lie about what sex is now and take it back when she’s older, you’re are giving her a stunted and skewed view on things.”
Maria took a bite of her salad, taking a moment to process Bailey's words.
“Oh!” Bailey said with a restraint exclamation. “That's another good thing my parents do, I think. You have to tackle the hard topics head-on. I remember when I asked my mom about gender dysphoria. In the back of my mind, I think I asked that question as a test. I knew that was probably a loaded word. I wondered if that would make her flinch. Parents can't run from the difficult stuff. Those are exactly the things kids need help figuring out the most.”
“Sounds like fun,” Maria equipped.
“I can pretty much guarantee that your kids will ask questions that make you uncomfortable or make you feel like you don't know what you are talking about. I think that what my parents do so well is to make us feel like they are genuinely grateful when we ask questions like that - even if they do not know how to answer them right away. We can tell they really do want us to ask them about anything that is important to us,” Bailey responded.
“Knowing your parents, I believe they really are grateful. I want us to be that way with Kayla and Andrew. It's a little scary though.”
“Yes it is,” Bailey agreed. “But, that's kind of the point too. For me and my friends, the whole world of sexuality is a little scary. It's like, in some ways it is absolutely everything - your whole identity. On the other hand, for some of my friends, their parents or churches never talk about it at all – like it doesn't even exist. One of the best things you can do for your kids is to help them keep it all in perspective. You know what I mean? Help them keep their sexuality at kind of a normal, manageable size in their minds.-
Help them feel like sexuality is something manageable. Most of that comes from just being open to talking about it all the time. You know how it is when you're a kid. The things that do not get talked about are what we are most intrigued about.”
“Oh, laughed Maria. “What else?”
Bailey thought a bit, then added, “Well, I was thinking. Another way my parents have always been honest with us is in sharing their own struggles. I cannot remember a time when any of us kids struggled with a question, or even a behavior, where we didn't learn something new about our parents lives and what they had experienced. Like when they first found my brother looking at pornography and my dad told us all that he had been addicted to porn for a while and what a struggle it had been for him to break free of that. It really helps to know that your parents understand what you're going through. We aren’t a bunch of crazy kids who mom and dad don’t understand, which is too often how us teens like to think.”
“Ooh…” Maria grimaced. “That part doesn't sound fun. I can't imagine telling Kayla about all the ways I failed or fell into situations I should not have been in.”
Nodding, Bailey replied, “I totally get that, but you do not have to share all your failures. Well-chosen examples will be enough. But it is about being vulnerable in these conversations. If you want your kid to open up, especially as they grow up, you’re going to have to do it too. It’s called mutual vulnerability.”
“Wait,” Maria interjected. “Your mom brought that up when I talked to her.”
“Well she stole that phrase from me,” Bailey said with a smile. “It's a big deal when the people who should have the power, like parents, are vulnerable with the people who do not have the power, like kids. We watched a great TED talk about the incredible power of vulnerability. I'll send you the link. You should check it out.”
“Very impressive!” Maria said with a laugh. “This is all very helpful. I feel like we're already heading in a positive direction. I cannot thank you enough for talking to me, Bailey.”
***
These two conversations covered a lot and really show how important honest communication is. When I made the point earlier that “the talk” doesn’t work it’s because it's overwhelming and awkward, and oftentimes the parents rarely bring it up again. It also seems to keep parents from giving children any real answers to their questions related to this topic before then. Again, ignorance doesn’t keep children pure. They need real answers and if we keep pushing it off, they’ll start discovering things on their own.
“It’s time to let Love overpower the discomfort of discussing this topic. Talk to your tweens and teens about pornography. Keep revisiting it; this is not a one-time conversation. Look for teachable moments in the media and daily life. Remind your child of your family values. Tell children where pornography may pop up online and what to do if they find it – turn it off and talk to a trusted adult.
Reassure them they will not be in trouble if they come to you right away. Teach them about responsible online behavior and rules. Establish house/family rules such as computers/laptops must be in main living areas; devices must be kept out of bedrooms; phones must be turned into parents at night for charging. Block pop-ups on computers.
Most importantly: Frequently check kids’ phones, tablets and computers. Read their texts and emails. Look at their pictures, social media and other apps. This is not an invasion of privacy. It is your responsibility as a parent to keep your tween or teen safe in the age of technology.”
- Amy Steele, Youth First ]] End of excerpt.
Vulnerability and Openness
Another essential point I want to expound on is what parents’ reaction is when their children and young people come to them to ask for help or to confess their struggles with viewing sexual content and addiction. It’s natural for parents to feel personally betrayed and disappointed when their children do come to them, but it is an absolutely crucial moment and how you react can have serious consequences. Empathy is absolutely crucial because we have to consider what the child or young person is going through. Usually when they do decide to go to their parents it means that they’re emotionally drained, having tried everything they can to stop on their own. They are vulnerable and often desperate. They know what they have been doing is wrong and it was that very fact that has kept them from coming to you. In my own case I was afraid of disappointing my parents and breaking the trust they had in me. But even more so I was afraid that they would take it personally and lash out; and this is true for so many others. The child knows that they have fallen short of the moral standard that they have been taught and it’s a credit to the parents that their children do come to them in the first place. What they need from their parents is understanding, love and an example of God’s forgiveness.
So, with all of this in mind and however difficult it may be, it’s vital that we choose to acknowledge that our children will fall. As Bailey said, if you have standards for your children expect that they will one day break them. It’s important to realize that even if parents follow the Christian formula perfectly, their children will still fall and keep things from you. They won’t tell you everything and will choose to learn the hard way instead. But in many cases, that’s the only way to learn. But what they need from parents is the assurance that the option to come to them is always there:
“Your child’s journey, becoming the person they are meant to be, is a journey to an unknown destination. You don't know how they will discover it. As a parent, it’s tempting to think that you know where your child’s destination should lie. You naturally want to guide your child to that destination the way a captain guides a ship. Some parents find it hard to let their child take the helm. But that approach is likely, eventually, to lead to shipwreck.
Ultimately only your child can be the captain of their own ship. But you can be the lighthouse, warning of unseen dangers. You can be the shipwright, helping patch holes and make the ship stronger and better. And you can be the safe harbor, welcoming the sailor home before they set out on their next voyage.”
- Paraphrased from Girls on the Edge by Leonhard Sax
A continuation of my own story:
After the incident in school I began looking for similar videos in order to feel that focus again. I developed a dependency and a craving for the next ‘fix.’ The shame and guilt I felt eventually led to depression and two cutting attempts. I asked friends for help but continued on alone growing increasingly angry at them for not being able to help me, my parents because I felt like I couldn’t go to them, and God for not simply taking my desires away. I went on like this for four years until I began to realize that I hadn’t been honest with myself. When I asked God to help me, there was a large part of me saying “But, not yet. I still enjoy it too much to give up.” I had to understand that I was valuing this desire above Him and it had separated me from Him. A separation that He wanted to end, but one that I wasn’t ready to give up. This honesty helped, and for about a month the desire was gone until it came back in full force.
After another year another realization hit me. My addiction had created almost two people in one. One that hated it, who couldn’t forgive himself and hid it from everyone else, the one I wanted people to see. And the other who never had enough, who didn’t care what was happening as long as the desire was filled. I hated the second me and despaired because I thought God couldn’t forgive me if I couldn’t even forgive myself. But I was out running one day in anger and frustration when I felt a voice. I didn’t hear it, I felt it, and it said, “But that’s the one I love, that’s the part of you that I died for!” Hearing that and finally understanding what it means to be loved in spite of what I’d done shook me. I felt an intense feeling of belonging, presence, and focus that was stronger and more whole than anything I’ve ever felt.
Since that day it hasn’t been easy, it’s hard to block out those desires when the reminders seem to be everywhere trying to lure you back in. But my focus moved from porn to why I was using it. From porn to my own stuff, my own problems and why I kept going back. Porn and the release it offers was a Band-Aid over the other problems of anxiety and stress. Because it’s not about commitment, or willpower, it’s not even about the consequences. I had been in a place where there was too much shame and guilt for me to be able to get out. In other words, my addiction was the symptom and I had to find the disease, and it’s taken a lot of honesty and searching to find it. Over the last year it’s gotten a lot easier, and I’ve begun to realize how much my addiction has taught me about God, his Love and my relationship with him. He’s helped me see my struggle as something I can use for His benefit and gain which is the biggest reason why I wrote this essay. To try and turn something bad into something He could use to help others.
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
- 2 Corinthians 12:9)
Addressing a Common Question:
Does the distinction between porn and graphic love scenes matter? Is one somehow okay and the other not? What are God’s standards for sexual purity? To use a personal example of what I mean, I struggled with a pornography addiction for years and for years I comforted myself with the thought that I’d never watched what I thought was “actual pornography”, so at least I hadn’t fallen that far. But then someone asked me this question: what does qualify as pornography and what doesn’t? Where’s the line? I didn’t have any answer. I think it’s something most of us think we’d know if we saw it but haven’t actually considered what it is. I then googled the definition of pornography and it’s this: printed or visual material containing the explicit description or display of sexual organs or activity, intended to stimulate erotic rather than aesthetic or emotional feelings.
Now, there are many different definitions of what pornography actual is because nobody can quite agree on where that line goes. I chose this definition because like all of the others it doesn't matter. We may have arbitrary or technical lines of what’s appropriate and what isn’t, God does not. God has called us to higher standards of sexual purity. God isn’t interested in where the technical lines are, he’s concerned with our hearts, our motives. Jesus said, “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matthew 5:27-28)
With lustful intent…
Did Jesus mean that it was only bad if you looked at married women? Or if you yourself were married? No, what he meant with this example was that his standards were our intentions. If we view another person, married or otherwise, with lustful intent we’ve already sinned with them in our minds. Why? Because we have taken away their personhood and viewed them as something we enjoy. Dehumanized them. Put ourselves over them in our minds. This renders useless any definition of what we consider to be pornography or anything else. It is a matter of the heart.
The Responsibility of the Young People:
I’ve been talking a great deal about how friends, parents and elders can react to this problem in new and constructive ways, but when it comes down to it, they can only help us so much. Their support and love are vital, but this is an issue of confronting our own demons. This is an issue of sexual purity and how this sin is separating us from our relationship with God. This is an issue where each one of us needs to make a decision for his or herself. I know it isn’t easy. Most likely it’s the hardest, most overwhelming thing you’ve ever gone through. Where the shame and guilt or even indifference carry you further and further away from where you want to be. But know that unless you decide to make an effort nothing will change. In the end, no one can stop you from viewing the things you want to or keep you from justifying your actions with reason after reason. But we need to ask ourselves if this is something we are struggling with and if so, what are we going to do about it?
As we saw earlier God’s standard for sexual purity is ‘not a hint or thought’. That seems impossible, but when Jesus said that with God all things are possible, he was talking about the things we couldn’t imagine doing ourselves. He was talking about this. When He calls us to “be perfect as your father in heaven is perfect,” he’s asking us to rise above our natural tendencies - the impure eyes, fanciful minds, and wandering hearts. His standard for purity doesn’t come naturally to us, but he calls us to rise up, by the power of his indwelling presence, and get the job done. With how much exposure and access we now have it isn’t easy, it’s harder now than ever before. You’ll probably fall as soon as you decide to change, and God knows that.
It’s like a child first learning to walk. A father delights in the many feeble attempts his son makes to stand and continues to lift him back up on his feet after each fall. In the beginning the father cherishes these earnest attempts, but in the end when the child has grown into a man, he will accept nothing less than a strong, confident stride.
Final Word:
I believe in the Holy Spirit
The Holy Christian Church
the fellowship of believers…
This essay has taken us from the scary word that is Sexuality to how we’re being increasingly exposed to a perverted form of God’s great gift. We’ve discussed the extreme pull it has and the separation and divide it can cause. And we started exploring ways to react to this issue and what our responsibilities are. The issue of sexual impurity and access to everything the world has to offer will only grow and the best way to let that continue is to ignore or divide and isolate ourselves because of it.
I think the solution to this problem is right in front of us. In the Holy Christian Church. The fellowship of believers. God has given us this incredible gift of sexuality that was meant to bring about connection, belonging and a heightened intimacy with him, and these are the very things we risk losing if we don’t begin to tackle the hard questions with open and honest conversation. There are still so many things to discuss, and for that we need to come together to learn how to help each other through the grace and Love of God.
* * *
May 26, 2022: 3 Years after the writing of this piece, I asked the author to re-read what they had written and asked them what still stands, what they would add, and what they now view differently. Also, where are they at with their own personal struggle with Pornography?
“A point that I want to add that I don’t think I made clear enough in my original paper is that this isn’t a gendered problem. On my journey through this struggle, conversations I’ve had with people on and off the colony, I now see another setback is that we like to isolate men and women into separate categories of struggle. Too often when we talk about sexuality, sexual content, or even “the lusts of the flesh” the conversation isn’t “How can our church help you, but a finger pointing game. It is about men taking advantage of woman and at woman being temptations for the men. That isn’t fair. That doesn’t help anyone. Firstly because female pornography addiction, content viewing, and struggle is statistically equal to that of men! I wrote this project as a guy, so the research I focused on was of guys. But finally, psychologists and church leaders are opening the conversation to their female audience to listen to their struggles when it comes to men.
The more sexual content is consumed, the more the imagination “wakes up” in everyday life. Guys and girls are both watching the same shows. While guys might get “turned on” by the obviously alluring parts of the show (in Hollywood, they call this “Male Gaze”) The same is true for woman watching the content. The appeal for them though lies in the relationships and excitement of the relationships as well as attraction to the guys in the content (Female Gaze). Woman can become just as “turned on” by this content as men. Their view on sexuality and relationships become just as broken and disfigured as that of men. It just looks different. Or even, its talked about a lot less then the struggle for men. If we are going to have better and bigger conversations, we need to include everyone, and not just men. Its helped me come to understand that I am not removed from conversations of modesty. I need to check by actions and behavior just as much as the woman around me. I think this needs to be talked about more.”
He also wanted me to add that after writing this piece, he went to his parents and Prediger with this struggle and received help from a professional and Christian guidance counselor/therapist for the years following this paper. He still regularly has check-ins for accountability. He described the process of writing the paper as “Part 1” of his journey, where now, being older, starting to pursue relationships, that’s part two- “It remains that difficult. Always. It hasn’t changed a day since three years ago.”
Lastly, “the thing that I hadn’t learned at that point was that I had the mindset that if you confess and then pray, sure it will be difficult but eventually it will get over. The beginning is getting that hope, but then there was the slog fest.” He notes that the work of overcoming the struggle with sexuality and impurity never goes away, particularly in overcoming a hold as tight as an addiction. “I now have God’s help, which is huge. In fact it’s a deciding factor in if I will succeed or not.” But the larger conversation and change has to come on the Hutterite, colony, and family levels.
There are teens struggling. Children struggling. Adults and Couples struggling. If everyone is has this in common, maybe we don’t have to be so afraid to start the conversation. Become engaged as a parent in the life of your child. Their feelings, their desires, their intimate questions, and insecurities. This is instrumental if you want to help lay the groundwork for a health development of their sexual identity when the time comes.
As they get older, answer the questions like -“Why do mom and dad do this and that?” or “Where do babies come from?” or even, “What does this word I heard actually mean?”- In stride. Don’t lie. Don’t push off. Don’t act ashamed or shocked. Encourage these questions. Remember- its either the relationship you have with your child, or the internet. Make them comfortable and confident in this knowledge, while teaching them that it is sacred and for a set time.
When they are older and teenagers, they may not come to you anymore, but you need to continue to initiate these conversations, asking who their friends are, what they are watching, wo they are listening to, in order to show that you are there and open to listen. Continue to teach them purity- not as a list of do’s and don’t but as an ideal for the purpose of being holy unto the Lord. For the sake of respecting the personhood and body of another human being, wether that person is in front of them or on a screen. This topic is incredibly tricky. But that makes it that much more important to get right.
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